OldSoul.blog

I was lying in a hospital bed feeling a little sorry for myself (I think it’s quite legitimate to feel sorry for ourselves from time to time) and that age-old question popped into my mind: What did I do to deserve this?

I know where the question came from – I had been reflecting on the lectionary passage for the fourth Sunday in Lent with a small group from the Pakenham Uniting Church just a few days before. It was that story from the Fourth Gospel about the healing of the man born blind (John 9:1-41), where the religious leaders postulate, ‘who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?’  Of course, I have never subscribed to a theology of cause and effect – that illness or hardship is ‘punishment’ for all the mistakes and missteps of our journey, but nevertheless, in my moment of self-pity, that ‘What did I I do to deserve this?’ question jangled around in the back of my mind.

Some context: over the past week or so, as my cancer symptoms flared unexpectedly, I had spent 8 hours in a hospital emergency department, two days in Peter MacCallum Cancer Centre, three days at home, 24 hours in another emergency department, and 2 days plus back at Peter MacCallum.  I’ve been poked and prodded, tested and questioned, drained and dripped!

So my wave of self-pity and the niggling ‘What did I do to deserve this?’ was not completely unwarranted!

As I recalled the conversation with the wonderful people at Pakenham last Thursday, I also recalled the bit from the story where Jesus says something like ‘No-one sinned, this blindness is given for the glory of God.’  On face value it may seem that the gospel writer is preparing us for the miracle that Jesus is about to perform – a man born blind receives his sight at the hands of Jesus: give God the glory.  And that is certainly one legitimate level of interpretation.

However, as I reflected on what that sentence, attributed to Jesus, might mean for me in my current predicament I had an epiphany.  I was asking the wrong question!  Or at least putting the wrong emphasis on the question.  Instead of the negative perspective: what did I do to deserve this predicament, I reframed the question around what did I do to deserve THIS:

• The love and support of my truly wonderful family – immediate and extended, younger and older – which has been a blessing beyond words;

• The compassionate and skilled care of medical personnel – doctors, nurses, therapists, radiographers, etc, etc. – which has been inspirational;

• The prayers and encouragement from people of faith and people of no faith, which have been overwhelming;

• The sun breaking through the clouds and touching my fifth floor window at strategic moments, which has been almost mystical;

• The deep awareness that in every moment I am held and loved and graced, which has been truly life-giving;

• … … …

 The list could go on and on.  What have I done to deserve all that?  Nothing!  It is, quite simply, an experience of grace: unmerited, unexpected, undefinable, yet given freely and abundantly.  What on earth did I do to deserve that?!

Give glory and gratitude to God, to Creation, to the Creative Spirit that is embedded deep, deep, deep within that creation. Amen!

David Brooker

17th March 2026